After
reading Letters and Papers from Prison (SCM Press 2001), a
collection of writings by Dietrich Bonhoeffer while confined at Tegel prison in
Berlin, the parts that affected me most were his prayers and poems. one in
particular resonated with me; Who am I? The
context is important to fully appreciate this poem. Bonhoeffer wrote the poem
in 1944, after having been imprisoned for nearly a year and a half. He had very
little contact with his parents, his fiancé (Maria von Wedemeyer) and his best
friends (Eberhard and Renete Bethge). He spent much of his time helping fellow
prisoners, reading philosophy, and the bible several times over (much like myself the Psalms were his favourite.) All this time he was facing constant
interrogation and torture from the Gestapo, air raids, and the burdens of other
prisoners. This put a huge amount of strain on Bonhoeffer to the point in which
he considered taking his own life.
Who am I? –
Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Who am I?
They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though they were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat.
Yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.
Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a Squire from his country house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though they were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equably, smilingly, proudly,
like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were compressing my throat.
Yearning for colours, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighbourliness,
Tossing in expectations of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all.
Who am I? This or the Other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptible woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am thine!
I suppose
the reason I love this poem so much is because it shows integrity that
Bonhoeffer didn’t lose faith when many others would have given up, it’s a poem
of hope, seen best in the last line. In fact Bonhoeffer’s last words were
allegedly “This is the end, for me the beginning of life” showing that he
remained in God’s grace until the moment of his death. Bonhoeffer is also
saying something very human however, everyone thinks of themselves poorly, we
know all our own flaws whereas others don’t always. Bonhoeffer’s theology
claims that God is the only judge, both for himself and others as claimed in
the Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 7:1); in this poem we see the conflict and
resolution to this problem of self-judgement and judgement in the eyes of
others. This poem shows us Bonhoeffer laid bare, removed of all honour and
piety, rejected and suffering as the Crucified Christ.
The second
poem is one that I had the privilege of attending a lecture on by Richard
McLauchlan, a Cambridge Ph.D student. It’s only right that I say here that much
of the analysis I’m going to give of this poem comes either from him directly
or through his inspiration. R.S Thomas died in 2000, he was a priest and Welsh
nationalist. He had a very fragile belief in God and it is often seen in his
poetry that he questions God’s existence.
The Gap -
R.S Thomas
God woke, but the nightmare
did not recede. Word by word
the tower of speech grew.
He looked at it from the air
he reclined on. One word more and
it would be on a level
with him ; vocabulary
would have triumphed. He
measured the thin gap
with his mind. No, no, no,
wider than that! But the nearness
persisted. How to live with
the fact, that was the feat
now. How to take his rest
on the edge of a chasm a
word could bridge.
He leaned
over and looked in the dictionary
they used. There was the blank still
by his name of the same
order as the territory
between them, the verbal hunger
for the thing in itself. And the
darkness
that is god’s blood swelled
in him, and he let it
to make the sign in space
on the page, that is in all languages
and none ; that is the grammarian’s
torment and the mystery
at the cell’s core , and the equation
that will not come out, and is
the narrowness that we stare
over into the eternal
silence that is the repose of God.
The first
thing to say about this poem is that is about the epistemic distance between
man and God, the unbridgeable gap that our words can’t fill. However this poem
reflects the tower of Babel story in Genesis 11:1-9 “the tower of speech grew”.
This shows metaphor is used to show God’s vulnerability, the first half of this
poem shows a very anthropomorphic God who comes off as weak “vocabulary would
have triumphed” this would give man victory over God, and thus make him
sovereign. It should also be noted that the structure of the poem is like a
tower about to topple, showing the fragility of humanity under God.
At the
mid-point in the poem it shows that there is a way for humanity to reach God
which is both frightening and hopeful “a word could bridge.” This is both the
literal word, which is Fallen humanities deification, and, the Word (John 1:1)
“In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.” Jesus, God’s
begotten and eternal Word, this second meaning shows Jesus as the mediator
between man and God. Then the final line that shows God’s victory “silence that
is the repose of God” throughout this poem the silence is deafening, the clever
use of structure and grammar to manipulate the word flow to produce that
silence, it’s almost as if Thomas considers it a kind of prayer. It is common
for there to be a silence in between lines, and in this poem there is a break
in the middle, the first half is crisis and fearful whereas the second half is
God’s triumph and hopeful. This is a reflection of the Friday, followed by the
silence on the Saturday where God is dead and the exaltation on the
Sunday.
Finally my own attempt at a theological poem, this is by no
means a masterpiece and I’m going to avoid giving context to this poem, as I
want it to be about whatever the audience wants it to be about rather than what
it actually represents (which might not be anything at all!)
Golgotha - Dane Harrison
May you ever be intoxicated by her Love.
She brings him goodness all the days of
his life.
With all humility and gentleness, with
patience
and bearing with one another in Love.
Let us Love one another, for my Love
comes from God.
Whoever does not know Love does not know
God.
Love one another, just as I have Loved
you.
There is no fear in my Love, perfect
loves casts it out.
My soul is in the midst of lions.
My God, My God why hath thou forsaken
me?
Save me, I am thine, I have done what
you have asked.
Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?
I am with you, to the end of the age.
Father, into your hands I commit my
spirit.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not
want.
It is finished.
Dedicated to Friedrich Nietzsche who died on this day in 1900 (age 55).
"You have your way I have my way. As for the right way, the true way and the one way, it does not exist."
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